a sunset to remind us each passing day of our children we miscarried
Pregnancy and Birth

The first time my heart broke with a miscarriage

My heart feels ache

Miscarriage is never something I wanted to experience. The heart-breaking loss of a child I never got to meet.

I wasn’t sure that I will ever post this but if I write it, then its written and it might be easier to just hit post.

women sitting holding stuffed animal

 

A little background

In November 2005 I met a guy online, we went on a date and started dating. In April of 2006 we married and in March 2007 we got news that a baby was on the way. Just 8 weeks into my pregnancy I went to the hospital with bleeding that in the in bottom of my heart I knew wasn’t normal.

I called my then husband and asked him to meet me, I explained how scared I felt and, I was on the way to the hospital, I was losing the baby. He said he would try but he didn’t know if he could leave work. While I sat and waited for what seemed like forever but definitely a few hours, I continued to wonder. Will I never hold my baby?

The pain continues

The staff kept giving me water and ice chips to get a better view on the ultrasound. I was

free like a butterfly-miscarriage

told not to eat anything in case I needed to have surgery. I could hear the words, but I wasn’t processing it too well. I just wanted to be told everything was ok and I could go home. I wanted to flash forward and meet my child.

Sometime while I was at the hospital he showed up, with food for himself and sat next to me to eat. I never felt more alone than in that very moment. I prayed and asked whoever was listening to please help me in that very moment. I couldn’t lose my baby I hadn’t yet grown to love. Sadly, hours after waiting I was able to hear the heartbeat but it wasn’t as strong as it once was. The day before when at our visit I had heard a strong heartbeat, I knew time was coming, I knew I would lose my baby.

Will this pain ever stop?

women sitting on the floorI cried and cried even when told not to. I cried even when told it would be ok. I didn’t want to wait and see what would really happen. Every bone in my body told me it was happening. After a few hours I was told that there was nothing they could do. I was told to go home a stay on bed rest until my ob/gyn could see me, it was Friday, so I knew it wouldn’t be until Monday morning at the earliest.

Then the day I gave birth

A few days later of being on bed rest I lost my baby nine weeks into the pregnancy. I lost the one thing I wanted more than anything else in this world. I hated my husband at this point I couldn’t even look at him our anniversary of one year married had arrived and I didn’t care. I never felt so alone, I never felt so unloved. Shortly after this I asked for him to move out, I asked for a divorce.

My life has continued, and I have been blessed with children, but I will always have this void for the children I have lost due to the miscarriage.

If you have ever had a miscarriage or lost a baby and know the pain I feel free to share your story or to share mine. No parent should ever have to feel this way, this feel the pain of losing a child. Not everyone will understand but allow my story to be what helps them find the way.

Find support and make friends. People want to listen but we also know that asking about loss can be difficult.

27 thoughts on “The first time my heart broke with a miscarriage”

  1. I’m so sad to read this. That’s a huge pain that no one wants. I am sorry for your loss and wish you could pass your pain on

  2. I am sorry for your loss. I appreciate your courage for sharing the story with us. I hope time will lessen you pain my best wishes to you.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story and vulnerability. Sending you so much love

  4. Several people very close to me have lost a child to a miscarriage, and I’ve seen the devastating effect that it can have. Though I can’t understand it for myself, I realize how much bravery and strength it takes to come forward and write a post like this, so thank you. xo

  5. I am so sorry for your loss. the pain you must be going through can never be put in words. I remember I had to undergo D&C because there was no heartbeat even after 9 weeks in first pregnancy. All I can tell you is it shall pass. Pain will subside and you will soon have a beautiful baby playing in your arms.

  6. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve also had a miscarriage and it was the most devastating time of my life. My husband was sweet and I had a good supportive group of friends to help me get through it. I eventually had two wonderful healthy kids.

  7. I am so sorry for your loss. i really can’t imagine how it feels liem to be on your situation. May Gog give you strenght in life.

  8. This story absolutely breaks my heart. I can’t even imagine that feelings this brings about. You’re so strong for sharing!

  9. Miscarriages can be tough. I had my first in August of 2007 and have had 4 confirmed miscarriages since then and possibly more, but after the 4th I stopped testing before my period was a month late.
    Maybe I’m just odd but I try to look at the upsides to them. The first 3 were with 2 men I’m no longer with due to their being unfaithful and today I’m glad I have no connection with them. Had any of those babies made it full term and been born, I’d be stuck with those men due to sharing a child with them.
    The last two were with my husband and, this is sort of strange to say, but I’m glad I lost them. Had I not, the first 3 years of our marriage would have been so different. I look back on those years so fondly. We had so much fun, we had so much freedom. We went where we wanted and did what we wanted when we wanted to.
    I have a 2 year old daughter now and life has changed so much since she was born. I miss the freedom we used to have and our carefree life a lot sometimes. I’m glad I didn’t have a child prior to her, even if losing the others was difficult in the moment.

    1. Miscarriages are tough! I don’t think I can relate to you because I wanted my children. Before I was ready I took measures to ensure I wasn’t going to become pregnant. While I also understand that parenting with someone you are no longer with may be difficult, for me it doesn’t make me miss my child any less. It sounds like you weren’t or possible still aren’t ready for all the responsibility parenting brings but I have always wanted to be a mother. I have five children including my stepson and wouldn’t change it for the world. I just wish my other children were here to enjoy our life with us.

  10. It’s difficult to share a story like this. I had 2 miscarriages before my son was born. I had no idea how common it is, because people don’t really talk about it. So I’m glad that you decided to post your story 🙂

  11. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve been there and it hurts beyond measure. My husband was away on business at the time, too. I just haven’t gotten to the point of putting words on paper.

    1. It is so difficult to understand why something like this happens. It’s been over 10 years since I had it happen for the first time.

  12. I have had two miscarriages and neither one was any easier. It doesn’t make me a professional it just makes me twice as sad. After each loss I had a normal healthy pregnancy but you never forget.

  13. I’m so sorry for your lost. However, you are so brave for sharing your story and I’m sure you’re be a source of inspiration for many women who can relate.

  14. I am so sorry you had to go through this, and I’m sorry that it ended your marriage. I never experienced a miscarriage, but from your the sadness in your words, I hope I never do.

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